Continuing with the theme of Gearing Up to Get An Agent is a pitch and first words blog hop. Since I wasn't available on Friday to submit during Deana Barnhart's open window , I'm participating in the second part of the Pitch Polish, the blog hop. You can read more about that here. There are several blog hops throughout the six weeks of GUTGAA, so hopefully I've got the right one. I'll put the linky below, or you can find me under Number 30.
In order to get the most benefit out of the blog hop, I'm electing to keep the same formatting as if I submitted to Deana and was one of the lucky 100 finalists selected. For those of you who were selected, CONGRATULATIONS!!
Here is my entry. I will continue responding to all the lovely "Meet and Greets" from last week, and stop by if you're participating in this blog hop part of #GUTGAA as well. Let's sharpen our editing pens and slash and polish these pitches and first words to glittery shine, my writer peeps!
Write on!!
Pitch Polish Entry #30
Author's Name: G. Donald Cribbs
Title of Manuscript: The Packing House
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 77,000
Query:
THE PACKING HOUSE (YA Contemporary from a Male POV)
When sixteen-year-old Joel Scrivener has a raging nightmare in study hall and someone records it on their phone, Joel awakens to a living nightmare where everyone knows the secret he's avoided for ten years. Reeling from a series of bullying incidents posted on YouTube and an ill-timed mid-year move thanks to his mother's loser boyfriend, Joel must choose whether to stay where he's at with the chaos he knows, or leave and forge his own uncertain future as a runaway.
Once his choice is made, Joel's past meets up with his future and lands him back with his father's family, face to face with Amber Walker, the girl he's been "just friends" with since his parents divorce. But when the cops show up and bring Joel's hidden past front and center, Joel taps into toughness he never realized he had, in order to face the investigation. He needs to be tough if he's going to steer Amber Walker away from her current bad news boyfriend. She's made it clear to Joel she doesn't want a broken boy, a façade she's hidden her true feelings behind. But unless Joel finds a way to confront his past and carve out a durable future for them both, he risks losing Amber forever.
THE PACKING HOUSE is a gritty YA contemporary stand-alone with duology potential, complete at 77,000 words. It can be described as SCARS meets BOY TOY and SOME KIND OF NORMAL, with a PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER vibe. In addition to being a proud member of YAlitchat.org, I have spent the last decade working at a boarding school for underprivileged teens, and am currently working as a Therapeutic Support Staff with clients of varying mental health needs. I am also a state certified English teacher.
Read an excerpt of the first chapter HERE.
Read a prelude to THE PACKING HOUSE HERE.
Contact me at: g.donaldcribbs@yahoo.com
First 150 Words:
1 | Lock-In
It's late afternoon and not the time
for sleep. I only manage to snag an hour or so before Jonathan's loud-ass
banging wakes me from the only rest I'll get prior to the school lock-in. He
crams contraband in his backpack and slams drawers. Still, he could be quieter
if he expects me to help him pull off the elaborate score he's been lining up
for weeks.
Why'd I have to go and lose the bet?
To settle up, I'm slave to my younger brother and his list of girls for the
night. At his beck and call.
I rub the remnants of sleep from my
eyes and stretch out the aches in limbs that scream for more than an hour of
closure. The shudder takes me by surprise. Maybe he won’t notice. With any luck,
I'll find somewhere private to crash at the high school in case the nightmares
come back.
________________________________________________________
I'm not a professional, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I think your pitch will be stronger if your drop the first paragraph. It's my understanding that some agents tend to base their entire opinion of the novel on the 1st couple lines. You're current opening paragraph makes your book sound like an ordinary teen romance, which it's not.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is that you start your pitch with the second paragraph. That's where things get interesting. You have nightmares, school mocking, and a potential sibling rivalry, which adds up to awesome. That's what you want the agent to read.
Good luck!
Jess,
DeleteWow. Sharp eyes! Thank you so much for reading and offering feedback. I read the query with and without the first paragraph. I agree it doesn't need the first paragraph. It frankly operates as backstory. Starting with backstory is a bad idea. Therefore, I'm taking your advice and chopping the sucker out. Thank you so much!
Don
Hi Donald
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above, I think the query is a little long. The overall feedback I have had for my queries are, what is the main conflict, that is what you have to show in your query. I personally find this excruciating trying to condense my story into main confict as I feel that the back story is so important.
Aside from that, I really love your first 150, I like the voice and I think it would really appeal to the YA. Best of luck
Dear Jambo,
DeleteThank you so much for visiting and taking the time to read my pitch and first 150. I agree wholeheartedly. It's an exercise in peeling off your fingernails and toenails with a pair of pliers, or something nearly as painful when it comes to our novels. I'm thrilled you like the voice. I've taken note of your suggestions. Blessings!
Don
Hey Donald, let me first start by saying I'm a massive fan of a male MC in YA. It's not done often or well enough. Your first 150 words were really interesting and put the reader in the scene immediately. It's clear and you can tell by those words you know your world well.
ReplyDeleteI have my edits in bold. I hope they help :)
For sixteen-year-old Joel Scrivener, living a double life complicates everything (THIS MAKE ME THINK HE'S SOME KIND OF SPY OR DOUBLE-AGENT), but it’s also how he’s survived (THIS RAISES THE STAKES EVEN MORE). On the outside Joel is an honor roll student, a librarian’s pet, someone easily overlooked. On the inside he is a voracious reader, he writes stories and poems to escape a lousy home life, and he sends handwritten letters to the girl he longs for in a way she hasn’t acknowledged. Yet. They’ve come close several times, including that time in her basement closet, right before her father caught them. Then there’s the reason why he’d rather live a duplicitous life. (AFTER THAT AWESOME FIRST LINE, THE REST KIND OF FEELS LIKE A LET DOWN. I'M WITH THE OTHERS IN CUTTING THIS)
Joel’s nightmares are back and worse than ever. Since he’s not sleeping at night he finds himself nodding off in school. When he falls asleep in study hall he doesn’t expect to have a nightmare in front of everyone, nor does he expect it to be recorded. When his brother Jonathan starts slipping him Mϕnster drinks to overcome his lack of sleep Joel thinks his brother’s being nice. Or is he? (OKAY, SO I KNOW A LOT OF AGENTS/WRITERS/ETC. SNEER AT THE WHOLE DREAM SCENARIO. WHAT MAKE THESE NIGHTMARES DIFFERENT TO OTHERS AND WHY DOES IT MATTER IF IT'S RECORDED? DID HE WET HIMSELF? SPASM OUT OF CONTROL? TURN GREEN AND CRASH THROUGH A WALL?)
When Jonathan sets up a viral attack on Joel he unintentionally lets out a secret even Joel doesn’t know how deep or far back it goes (END OF THIS SENTENCE IS A LITTLE AWKWARD). Joel cannot run from or avoid his problems anymore. He must face them and overcome them (THEM TWICE, REPETITION - I'D SAY CUT THE FIRST ONE) or lose everything. Everyone else seems to know what’s going on even though Joel can’t put it all together. (I'M GUESSING THE 'SECRET' AND 'PROBLEMS' ARE THE SAME THING? IF SO, YOU'D EITHER NEED TO MAKE SECRET A PLURAL OR VISA VERSA. OTHERWISE IT'S UNCLEAR WHETHER YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE SAME THING)
[The rest of my edits are in the next comment as it said I had too many character :S]
Heather,
DeleteThese are fantastic, thank you so much! I'll be looking for yours, too!
Warm regards,
Don
Cont...
ReplyDeleteAs Joel’s life twists through an unrelenting course before him, Joel struggles to hold onto anything important. This includes his long distance relationship with Amber Walker and his deteriorating sophomore year grades. Coupled with finding out who the root cause of his nightmare-inducing problem is, and discovering the real reason he was hospitalized after his parents separated, Joel is on a fast track through a barrage of trouble. Too bad Joel’s solutions—a 911 call, multiple fights (some with his brother), a beginner smoking habit, a runaway attempt, and a school break-in—land him in a (CUT 'A') psychological evaluation. Even worse? The root cause is only the beginning. When the cops show up, Joel must dig deep to tap into toughness he never realized he has (TENSE ISSUE HERE. 'HAS' SHOULD BE 'HAD') beyond his outer shell. He’s going to need it if he hopes to steer the heart of Amber Walker away from her current boyfriend, or risk losing her forever. (I THINK THIS PARAGRAPH COULD BE CUT IN HALF. THE BEGINNING, UP UNTIL JOEL'S SOLUTIONS ISN'T REALLY NEEDED FOR YOUR QUERY. ALSO IS THE MAIN STAKES REALLY WINNING AMBER OVER? I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. PERSONALLY, I THINK AMBER CAN BE TAKEN OUT OF THE QUERY COMPLETELY, EVEN IF SHE IS A BIG PART IN THE BOOK. FOCUS ON THE BIG CONFLICTS BETWEEN JONATHAN AND JOEL IF THAT IS WHAT CARRIES YOUR STORY FORWARD)
Obviously I've tried to make this as objective as possible but personal taste always plays a part. After reading through others' queries though, I can just tell mine is going to get shredded next week. It just doesn't feel anywhere near the same league ha ha
Heather,
DeleteThank you so much for reading and taking the time to offer feedback. I really appreciate it!
Don
When I do crits, I apply the same level of shredding I do for my crit partners, so take it all with a grain of sugar. Overall comments are at the end.
ReplyDeleteQuery:
Joel’s nightmares are back and HE DOESN'T THINK IT CAN GET ANY worse. HE'S NOT SLEEPING WHICH MAKES PAYING ATTENTION IN HIGH SCHOOL IMPOSSIBLE. AFTER HE EXPERIENCES ANOTHER DREAM IN STUDY HALL, MUCH TO THE AMUSEMENT OF HIS CLASSMATES, HIS BROTHER Jonathan starts slipping him Mϕnster drinks to overcome his lack of sleep.
AT FIRST, Joel thinks his brother’s JUST being nice, BUT WHEN Jonathan sets up a viral attack on Joel he unintentionally lets out a secret even Joel doesn’t know ABOUT. UNABLE TO run from his problems anymore, HE must FIND A WAY TO overcome them or lose everything. (DEFINE EVERYTHING)
(OVERALL, THIS QUERY WAS WAY TO LONG. I MADE SOME SUGGESTIONS ON, GIVEN THE VERY LITTLE I KNOW AND TRYING TO USE MOST OF YOUR WORDS, YOU MIGHT SWITCH IT UP. ONE OF THE THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND IS A BOOK IS ALWAYS ABOUT THE SAME THINGS: THE MC'S GOAL, WHAT MOTIVATES THEM TO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL AND THE CONFLICT THAT CAN PREVENT THEM FROM ACHIEVING SAID GOAL. THESE CAN TAKE PLACE ON AN EXTERNAL OR INTERNAL LEVEL FOR THE MC. THINK ABOUT THIS WHEN YOU'RE FORMING YOUR QUERY. IT MIGHT HELP TO STREAMLINE.)
First 150 Words:
1 | Monster
My brother’s being nice to me all of a sudden.
Either that or he’s trying to get me in trouble.
WITH HIM, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL. FOR EXAMPLE, this morning he gave me a forbidden Mϕnster drink he stole from MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND'S STASH, WHICH WE HAVE BEEN TOLD IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, ARE off limits TO us.
BUT I gotta do something. THE NIGHTMARES ARE GETTING WORSE.
I corner him in our sparse room pinning him to the wall. Not like he has anywhere to hide behind crates that are makeshift furniture and mattresses on the floor for beds. The smell of tuna hits me like an uppercut. That and the fight just isn’t in me, but I can’t let him know that. (HONESTLY, UNLESS THIS PARAGRAPH IS IMPORTANT, DITCH IT AND GET RIGHT INTO THE NIGHTMARES... YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW PAGES AT BEST TO SNAG AN AGENT OR A READER.)
Dear Sarah,
DeleteDon't hold back, that's awesome! Thank you very much for your feedback!
Warm regards,
Don
Hey :) I agree with a lot of the others that your query is long and doesn't get right to the juicy bits (which is always a good thing). My suggestion would be to pop over to AgentQuery Connect, a free site that offers great query critiques. I also agree that your first 150 words are really interesting--a male POV in YA is golden! I think your voice is young and fun :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Dear A.M.,
DeleteYou have all given me so much to work with. I'm excited to incorporate these notes and revise the query and first words. Thank you! I am thrilled you like the voice of my MC. Yeah, I don't know why male POV isn't done more.
Warm regards,
Don
Interesting story.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree with all the query commenters, so I won't repeat what they said. Here are my comments on the first 150.
"My brother’s being nice to me all of a sudden.
Either that or he’s trying to get me in trouble."
I'd try rewrite this to avoid 'all of a sudden.' It's one of those words/phrases we're supposed to avoid. I don't have any suggestions, but I'd convey that it is unusual. With a change, I think you have a good first line hook.
Cut "The tell-tale sign?"
You start the story in present tense. Then switch to past to TELL us about the brother giving him a monster drink. Then switch back to present in the bedroom.
My suggestion is to show that scene in the present. Show the brother handing him the drink. Show him thinking, this is weird, why is he being nice.
We all know the show versus tell thing, and I think it'd be stronger to show that scene.
Good luck.
It sounds like there is an interesting story behind your pitch, but it feels like you keep writing around it.
ReplyDeleteWhy are the nightmares the cause of his double life? What's the secret his brother unleashes? Is there a problem with him having his nightmares be recorded? What problems must he face and overcome? What's the real reason he was separated?
Basically, I think your query lacks focus. Any query needs to focus on three things: character, conflict, choice.
Character: Introduce the character and let his voice come through the query.
Conflict: Take the main storyline (I.E. probably not his relationship with Amber) and find his goals within that storyline. Set them up with the character introduction. Then in the last paragraph, briefly explain the main obstacles in his path.
Choice: Every character comes to a point in a story where they have to make a choice with regards to whether they'll keep going after their goal or not. And then as a hook, add in the consequences of failure.
But the main thing is, choose a few coherent things to work with and mold them into a pitch. You can't use things from all over your book and expect the agent to know what's going on.
Hope this helped!
Sigh. Saw the mistake in paragraph two just as my comment posted. it's hospitalized, not separated.
DeleteI love this premise. It's fresh and unique and I *love* the voice of your MC.
ReplyDeleteFor your query, it is a little too long. And I think the first paragraph could be left out or edited. The nightmares seem to be the main conflict, so starting with that with be a great way to start.
The first 150 words are fantastic. What more should I say!
It's nice to meet you through GUTGAA and I wish you tons of success during this month:)
Talynn