My Blog Posts for Survivors of Trauma and Abuse

The Smell of Smoke: Surviving the Aftermath of Trauma


For Survivors: Icebergs, Recovery, and the Importance of Using Your Voice

Survivor Resource: Intro to THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.

What If REcovery Is Not What You Need To Survive? The Role of DIScovery and UNcovering in Trauma and Abuse Healing

10 Truths I Learned as a Result of my Abuse

30 Essential YA Titles Perfect for SAAM 

A Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse Speaks Out: Being Silenced Again

What If REcovery Is Not What You Need To Survive? The Role of DIScovery and UNcovering in Trauma and Abuse Healing

*****Trigger Warning*****

What if recovery is the wrong word, the wrong approach, the wrong lens to view the treatment and healing process? This question brought me to at least attempt to process this thought all the way through and blog about it so you have the opportunity to join the conversation, which I hope you'll do in the comment section below. Let's begin.

First, let's start with the question, what is recovery anyway?

The definition gives us a few inroads and insights to begin from, but it doesn't really get at what recovery is, or hopes, or attempts to be for a person in the treatment and healing process. The first definition, "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength," implies that there is a right state of health or wellness, and there is a wrong state. This sounds very much like a victim of abuse must choose whether they are on one side or the other. Thus, a person who is in "recovery," carries with himself or herself a stigma that they are not well, and further, that they are in fact in a wrong state of wellness. Victim blaming, anyone? Ouch. That one stings a bit.

The second definition, "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost," suggests that a trauma that has occurred has somehow robbed the victim of his or her innocence, and he or she should strive to "get back," what is rightfully his or hers to own. The heart or intent of this sentiment is at first a nice thought: surely, every child has a right to retain his or her innocence, right?

We have a right to be a child when we are children, and not be thrust into the very adult world of child sexual abuse, where our childhoods are essentially robbed from us, right? Every survivor of child sexual abuse knows this just isn't true. We know what that horror feels like every day that follows from the moment our sexual abuse first began. But the truth is: the world isn't a safe place where children retain their right to be innocent and free from the weight of being thrust forward into adulthood. We don't all chase butterflies, or toss copious amounts of glitter on things, or frolic with unicorns. So the idea of regaining something I never had seems ludicrous to me. I never had that fantasy or fairytale childhood. It didn't exist for me. Instead, I found myself forced to make the very adult choice to take the bullet and comply with my abuser's sexual demands in order to spare my siblings from this horror, not realizing the world isn't fair, and my abuser had no intention of holding up his end of the bargain. I cannot regain what I never had. Sure, I was robbed. So for me, that happened when I was only four years old. As I approach my own treatment and healing from child sexual abuse, I am no longer certain recovery is the right approach. Another way to state this is recovery may not be the right word.

Recovery has been described as many things. It can be a road, a pathway, a journey. It might also be a reset button, a reboot, a do-over, a new beginning. All of these "definitions," give insight and perspective on what recovery could be, but in many ways, it falls short. For the survivor of trauma, recovery just doesn't add up to the promise of giving us back what was stolen from us. It doesn't even come close.

So where does that leave us? It's such a common feeling for a survivor to not fit in with "normal" people. We are outsiders. We don't belong. We are the quintessential square peg trying to fit into a round hole. We just don't. Fit, that is.

For a survivor of child sexual abuse, recovery just isn't a good fit. For us, we need something that meets our unique healing and treatment needs. This led me to the following thought:

What if REcovery was more like DIScovery and UNcovering our TRUE SELVES?

Give that a minute to soak in. Feeling okay? Are you ready to move forward? It might take a few moments for you to fully absorb what I'm saying here. Let me try another way: I'm going to break each of these down a bit further to help clarify:

REcovery is supposed to equal getting back what was taken from you. This seems legitimate as long as you had something prior to your abuse that was taken, apart from your right to live an abuse-free life, that you can "RE," or RE-COVER, or get back.

What if you could, instead, DIScover, or not focus on getting something that was lost or stolen back in the first place? What if, instead, you could choose to do what YOU want to do with the cover. For me, "cover" represents the aspect of abuse that is hidden or covered up.

When you work to regain yourself, you pull the covers off, and reveal the secret. This step can be very triggering, and should not be attempted without the help and support necessary to fully go through this process. If you are considering this step, don't do it alone. Make sure you are ready, and you have professional support with a licensed professional, preferably one who is trauma-informed, and can attend to your unique therapeutic needs.

Before I can get to the final step in the "cover" process, I need to veer off from the main topic for a bit. You see, our abuser took all his or her responsibility for the abuse they inflicted on us, and placed the blame entirely on our shoulders. We tried to resist this, but over time, they wore us down. Eventually, we succumbed to their repeated statements (gas lighting) and treatment. They told us we were nothing, we were worthless, it was our fault. Then, they treated us as if we were nothing, as if we were worthless, and as if it was actually our fault.

To truly understand the process that took me from REcovery to DIScovery to UNcovering the TRUE SELF, check out "The Lying Triad and it's Dark Guard," by Bobbi L. Parish, MA on YouTube:

This brings me to the UNcover part: that the true task is to 1: Uncover the secret of the abuse, rip the cover off of the secret, and expose it for what it is. By taking the lie off of ourselves, we reveal what has been hidden all along: the lie our abuser gave to us, (that you are broken, deserving of your abuse, and essentially the Lying Triad and the Dark Guard Bobbi was talking about,) in order to avoid facing any consequences for abusing us, is finally given back to our abuser, and our TRUE SELF is seen for the first time. 2: The second task is to seek to fully know and embrace the TRUE SELF and allow the TRUE SELF to regain his or her power back.

If we as survivors are ever to regain anything, it is the truth of our TRUE SELVES. And this very important part of our healing journey can only be achieved if we move from REcovery to DIScovery and eventually arrive at UNcovering what has been hidden by our abuse: our TRUE SELVES.

If you've read this entire blog post, from the bottom of my heart to the tips of my toes and the top of my head, I thank you. I appreciate you hearing me out. You may not agree with anything I've said here. You might agree with some parts of it, or all of it. I invite you to join the conversation. Sound off in the comments below and let me know what this brought up for you, how you connect or disconnect from this concept about the recovery process. Healing from trauma and abuse have unique aspects that are not the same as other treatment and healing processes.

It is my hope that this can be the beginning of a conversation about those needs for true recovery and healing to happen in the survivor community. If you have an idea for a blog post in response to this one, I hope you'll post a link in the comments below and I look forward to reading your reactions, comments, and posts.

I will close with a checklist for recovery, "Guiding Principles of Recovery":

45 Essential YA Titles Perfect for SAAM

In honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I'd like to share 45 essential YA books that will help you and others Support, Protect, Educate, Advocate, Know, Understand, and Prevent further sexual assault. Really, you should read them just to read them. But for this month especially, you should read them even more. You should share them with others. You should educate yourself and your family and loved ones. You should read these with your bookclubs and find them in your local bookstores. Librarians and bookstores should make displays featuring these books to raise awareness among your readers. You should go online and buy copies for yourself, your friends, or to give as gifts. These are the books that need to be read.

For years, growing up, books like this did not exist. Libraries and bookstores were my haven. As I walked through the aftermath of my own trauma (CSA), I found solace in books. They were my therapy. Now, I have found 45 titles all centered around sexual assault, rape, child sexual abuse, incest, sex trafficking and related topics. This is a positive sign of change, and YA books are at the forefront of that change.

Our children need to know. We need to learn and know more. There are those who are out there, and hurting, and the aftermath of their assault, abuse, or rape has silenced them. I've been there. So often, family members are at a loss for how to help a survivor, and books provide a direction toward recovery. We all know someone who has experienced sexual assault, abuse, or rape. They need our support to help them find the strength to heal and move forward.

Give survivors a book from this list. No words need to be said, but they will find themselves, and their voice again in the pages of that book. Be an advocate, a support, a protector, a friend who understands, someone who knows, maybe you've been there, too. Let's do what we can to prevent even one more sexual assault.

Let's eradicate sexual assault from our culture, our families, and our world. Let our children of tomorrow grow up in a safer, less dangerous world because we did something about it. I hope you'll find your voice and write your story, too, if you've faced sexual assault, abuse, or rape. We need all of these stories and more.

Here are the most current books that will equip us for that fight:

1. Forged by Fire, by Sharon M. Draper Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

2. The Nowhere Girls, by Amy Reed Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

3. Blood Water Paint, by Joy McCullough Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

4. Identical, by Ellen Hopkins Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

5. Saints and Misfits, by S. K. Ali Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

6. Girl Made of Stars, by Ashley Herring Blake Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

7. I Stop Somewhere, by T. E. Carter Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

8. Lessons from a Dead Girl, by Jo Knowles Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

9. Girls Like Us, by Gail Giles Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

10. Asking for It, by Louise O'Neill Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

11. The Female of the Species, by Mindy McGinnis Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

12. Wrecked, by Maria Padian Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

13. Living Dead Girl, by Elizabeth Scott Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

14. Such A Pretty Girl, by Laura Weiss Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

15. Things We Haven't Said: Sexual Violence Survivors Speak Out, edited by Erin E. Moulton Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Here are More #YAforSAAM:



16. Exit, Pursued by a Bear, by E. K. Johnston Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

17. Speak, by Laurie Halse Anderson Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

18. Traffick, by Ellen Hopkins Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

19. The First Time She Drowned, by Kerry Kletter Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

20. The Way I Used to Be, by Amber Smith Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

21. Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, by Matthew Quick Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

22. This Is Where the World Ends, by Amy Zhang Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

23. Swagger, by Carl Deuker Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

24. Scars, by Cheryl Rainfield Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

25. The Packing House, by G. Donald Cribbs Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

26. The Gospel of Winter, by Brendan Kiely Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

27. Fault Line, by Christa Desir Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

28. Boy Toy, by Barry Lyga Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

29. Faking Normal, by Courtney C. Stevens Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

30. Inexcusable, by Chris Lynch Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

Here are even more #YAforSAAM:

31. All the Rage, by Courtney Summers Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

32. What We Saw, by Aaron Hartzler Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

33. Stained, by Cheryl Rainfield Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

34. The Mockingbirds, by Daisy Whitney Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

35. Panic, by Sharon M. Draper Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

36. Punch Like a Girl, by Karen Krossing Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

37. I Hadn't Meant to Tell You This, by Jacqueline Woodson Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

38. What Happens Next, by Colleen Clayton Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

39. Because I Am Furniture, by Thalia Chaltas Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

40. Where the Stars Still Shine, by Trish Doller Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

41. Dime, by E. R. Frank Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

42. Pointe, by Brandy Colbert Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

43. Run the Game, by Jason Myers Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

44. Bait, by Alex Sanchez Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

45. Period.8, by Chris Crutcher Buy Links: Amazon | Barnes & Noble

What titles would you add to this list? Please share them in the comments below. In addition, if you've read one or more of these titles, comment below to share how you were changed after reading them. Then, share these with your friends and family and become part of the change in this world. I believe books are one of the best vehicles for change. Keep reading!