Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rape. Show all posts

Monday, July 22, 2019

The Ticking Time Bomb of Unprocessed Trauma




By itself, trauma is devastating. Trauma originates outside of the victim who receives it, yet it is passed to the victim, who bears the aftermath and the consequences. This is unfair to say the least. Sometimes trauma occurs as the result of a natural disaster, or a as a direct result of war. Most often, however, trauma originates from an abuser, an individual whose bad decision(s) affect(s) the victim for the rest of her life (and sometimes his or their life).

The victim, who did not cause the trauma, but as a result of being in the recipient role of the trauma, must shoulder the burden of that trauma for the rest of her life (see parenthetical citation above for all pronoun references). This plays out in the daily aftermath of the trauma in intrusive memories, visceral flashbacks, obliterating nightmares, and surges of overwhelming emotions. Each occurrence shreds through the victim like a hail of bullets strafing their flesh and vital organs. Sensory overload is a common side effect. There are often accompanying physical and mental health symptoms as well, depending on the age of the victim as opposed to the age of the perpetrator. None of these are fair.

But wait, it gets even worse.

The abuser, whose decision to act on their own urge and perpetrate the abuse often gets away without consequence and can abuse again and again. Abusers often silence their victims, passing the blame to the victim as if they caused the trauma, and with shame as an alibi, the victim accepts this transaction without realizing in that moment (or perhaps in treatment or recovery much later) that the responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim. This is a secondary layer of abuse, wrapped around the initial abuse that can grow into a quagmire of confusion, anguish, and deception that makes recovery from trauma incredibly complicated.

There’s even worse news.



Trauma attacks the victim. In her body, this presents as physical symptoms. In her mind, this also presents as mental health outcomes the victim would not otherwise have incurred. And, according to the seminal study of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) by Kaiser Permanente of more than 17,000 participants, exposure to ACEs have direct correlation to these physical health and mental health outcomes in the lives of trauma survivors. For more details and specific data on this topic, see www.acestoohigh.com or www.acesconnection.com. Both websites provide access to the 10 question ACEs study (what the victim survived) as well as the 14 question resilience study (how and why the victim survived) to better understand how ACEs impact the victim. Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris’s TedTalk is another incredible source of understanding for how ACEs affect victims of trauma (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ovIJ3dsNk).




Now for the worst news of all: The Ticking Time Bomb.

The victim of trauma suffers greatly in the aftermath of abuse. It can last decades for the victim. An entire lifetime. But trauma doesn’t stop at the physical or mental health level. It actually goes down to the cellular level. According to The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (www.nicabm.com) , a pioneer of experts in the trauma treatment and recovery field, trauma that is unprocessed will actually attack the survivor in the DNA of their cells. Read that again.

In their Treating Trauma Master Series, NICABM details how unprocessed trauma attacks the victim in their DNA, resulting in the very physical health and mental health outcomes cited earlier. In addition, this can lead to a shorter lifespan, when untreated, and unchecked. Specifically, this occurs in the coating around DNA, the telomere (see below for further explanation). The reason this can be so devastating to trauma survivors, has to do with self-preservation. In order to survive trauma, a victim often responds with a fight, flight, freeze (there are two types: brain freeze and numbing), or fawn response.



The brain goes haywire. The frontal lobe goes offline. The left and right hemispheres can sever, requiring treatment and recovery work that reconnects the severed halves. Trauma can impact the nonverbal part of the mind, requiring nonverbal/nonlinguistic treatment to heal those particular aspects of trauma (see EMDR, tapping, art therapy, dramatic arts therapy, neurofeedback/biofeedback, music therapy, etc. for appropriate avenues to address these areas of recovery from trauma). The fight or flight response also has chemical responses in the brain: the amygdala floods with adrenaline, while the hippocampus floods with cortisol.

This essentially shuts down the memory system of the victim. The amygdala must be restarted by grounding tools (which use the senses to reboot this part of the long term memory system), and the hippocampus becomes flooded by the cortisol, causing searing bits of memory, disconnected from the timeline of an individual’s life history, rather than a seamless “video recording” of the trauma events. The hippocampus acts like the news reporter, collecting the who, what, where, when, why, and how of memories. When flooded, the hippocampus is unable to anchor such details to the long term memory system, causing the trauma memory to store in the body instead of the mind, until it is fully processed.

Our bodies are designed to heal themselves while we sleep. Approximately every seven years, the body replaces all 15 trillion or 75 trillion cells (depending on whether one measures by weight or volume) during the repair process. This occurs while we sleep. That is why 8 hours of sleep per night are so essential to the health and wellbeing of individuals. When that individual is a survivor of trauma, their sleep is often disrupted by a plethora of side effects such as insomnia, hyposomnia, sleep apnea, sleep paralysis, nightmares, and related symptoms. This further underscores how the aftermath negatively affects a survivor of trauma, and complicates her treatment, healing, and recovery. In fact, for most trauma survivors, just getting started in these processes is exponentially challenging, as victims of trauma often believe they do not deserve treatment, healing, or recovery.

During the process the body uses to heal itself, at the DNA level, the two strands of DNA unravel, create a copy of the cell, and ravel back together. The telomere, a coating on the outside of the strands of DNA, hold the two strands together, keeping them from breaking apart in the unraveling and raveling back together process. One can visualize the telomere like the hard-plastic cover at the end of a shoelace. Those caps keep the shoelace from unraveling. Similarly, the telomere coating the DNA hold the DNA strands together, keeping them healthy and alive. Trauma attacks the telomere. The direct affect of trauma attacking the telomere, is that they become shorter, and eventually, this can cause the DNA to break apart during the unraveling/raveling back together process. What occurs then is alarming: the cell where the DNA breaks apart gets sick and dies. This is the specific reason why the victim of trauma suffers both physical health and mental health symptoms. They are caused by the trauma attacking the telomere, and those cells where the physical health and mental health symptoms occur.

Trauma only attacks the body when it is unprocessed. Thus, the ticking time bomb of unprocessed trauma can be diffused. This is good news for the trauma survivor, but one which must lead to eventually facing and processing the trauma, the very thing the victim of trauma strives to avoid at all costs. Unbeknownst to the trauma survivor, until now, is the fact that avoiding the processing of trauma actually leads to further consequences for the victim.



Survivors of trauma have incredible levels of resilience. When life knocks the trauma survivor down, she gets back up. An adage states: “Fall down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.” This is true for trauma survivors. It is an adaptation. Similarly, suppressing the traumatic memory allows the victim to survive the trauma, at first. Initially, this is considered an adaptive response to trauma. Dissociation is one example. This can also lead a survivor of trauma to consider addiction as a viable option to stuff or avoid facing the traumatic memory. However, repeating this adaptive response to trauma over time actually becomes maladaptive. What initially helps the victim to survive, develops into a barrier that gets in the way of her treatment, recovery, and healing.

This is where mindfulness becomes a key factor to begin the healing and recovery process of treatment for a trauma survivor. By staying present to the surfacing traumatic memory, and dealing with it in the moment it occurs, the survivor learns to do the opposite of suppressing and avoiding the trauma. This causes that trauma memory to become processed. Once processed, it no longer attacks the telomere, and the victim of trauma can reduce the negative outcomes of a reduced lifespan, physical health, or mental health outcomes.



In his book, Waking the Tiger, Peter Levine details how somatic experiencing can support the processing of trauma memories. Examples include the tools of Felt Sense and Pendulation, two specific tools utilized in the healing and recovery of traumatic memory. For further details, please check out Heidi Hanson’s blog on Resiliency Building Skills to Practice for Trauma Recovery (http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1825) as well as her blog on 13 Benefits of Pendulation (http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=542) and finally, her blog post on the use of Felt Sense (http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=63) which can be effectively used to treat depression, anxiety, and other related trauma symptoms.

Please note: Sensorymotor Psychotherapy has further application for the trauma survivor with Pat Ogden’s Window of Tolerance tool, available on the NICABM website in multiple formats.



In conclusion, trauma is a horrific experience for the survivor. Walking out the aftermath of symptoms and consequences the victim did not deserve in the first place is challenging enough. But left unprocessed and untreated, trauma attacks the survivor, delivering even more debilitating consequences. Once the survivor of trauma has reached a point of recovery where they are partially healed, and able to begin the difficult work of turning and facing the unprocessed trauma, she would be wise to act on that sooner than later, utilizing such tools as pendulation to process the trauma, and move it from its suppressed location in the body, to the long term memory, where it no longer plagues the survivor on a regular basis. It is there, she can attain a level of recovery where she has her life back, and she can function without daily intrusive thoughts, memories, and physical or mental health symptoms.

Healing is possible. Recovery is possible. Finding the right treatment for the trauma survivor is personal and best led by the trauma survivor herself. It’s time to diffuse the ticking time bomb of unprocessed trauma. You deserve healing and wholeness. You never deserved the consequences your abuser/perpetrator passed off on you, like the world’s worst version of hot potato. You deserve to be free of the consequences of trauma. It’s time to cut the wire.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

In the #MeToo and #MeTooRising Era, Why Speaking Out is Essential for Survivors of Sexual Assault


It seems there's always a news story covering the topic of sexual assault, rape, or rape culture. Crimes involving sexual assault are far too commonplace. Sexual assault happens in the workplace, on college campuses, in every industry from the Olympics to Hollywood, the music industry to the publishing industry, and, yes, among school aged children. As a country, we are appalled and horrified by the Sanduskys and the Nassars who prey on victims who initially trust them in positions of power above them, and later testify as survivors of sexual assault. And yet, these stories come and go, and sexual assault, rape, and child sexual abuse all continue to happen at an alarming rate.

Silence and shame largely empower the abuser to maintain their position of power over victims; thus, speaking out and handing shame back to the abuser are essential tasks survivors need to utilize early on in recovery in order to begin the healing process. Other key resources necessary for survivor recovery include: being heard and not blamed for being a survivor, having healthy boundaries, and gaining education about grooming and gaslighting among other key terms specific to survivors of sexual assault. I highly recommend a great, free resource on YouTube: subscribing to Trauma Recovery University for over 200 hours of free videos you can watch at your own pace and educate yourself on recovery as a sexual assault survivor:




Unfortunately, I know this all too well, because it happened to me, too. Which is one of the reasons I wrote my #OwnVoices young adult novel, The Packing House (read the first 3 chapters here), as a fictionalized version of my own survivor story, and am writing the sequel, Unpacking the Past, to complete the duology. It's why I have joined the Bristlecone Project, as a Male Survivor (see www.bristleconeproject.org). It's why I have joined the ranks of Survivor Knights, an organization that incorporates the arts as a pathway of recovery among the survivor community (see https://www.facebook.com/SurvivorKnights/).



It's also why I joined the project, Things We Haven't Said: Sexual Violence Survivors Speak Out, an anthology of 25 sexual assault survivors speaking out. I am also working on another survivor's anthology I've recently been invited to join, and will eventually develop a curriculum for survivors to use as a map to their own recovery. I myself have been walking out my recovery for the past 40 years, as my sexual assault occurred when I was four years old.

Clicking the link below the book cover above will take you to the Amazon Page. Click here to see my previous blog post on Things We Haven't Said being available, and the full list of sites from which you can purchase the anthology.

Here are a few highlights of the response so far regarding Things We Haven't Said:

Here's the link to our Kirkus Starred Review

Here's the link to an article featured on Publisher's Weekly

Here's the link to an interview featured on School Library Journal

Here's the link to an interview on Foreword Reviews

Here's the link to the 5 Star Review of TWHS on Foreword Reviews

Here's the YouTube link of our book panel presentation at The Strand Bookstore in NYC featuring our anthologist's editor: Erin Moulton, and fellow survivors: Barbara McClean, Maya Demri, myself, and Jane Cochrane. We had an amazing crowd and great questions.



Saturday, February 24, 2018

THINGS WE HAVEN'T SAID is now available!

If you've been following the publication journey of THINGS WE HAVEN'T SAID, an anthology of 25 survivors of Sexual Assault, you probably know this has been a long 2 years. However, the end has come: Things We Haven't Said has been published as of March 13, 2018 and will be available everywhere books are sold.

One thing especially important for books such as these, which may otherwise be missed by some readers, is to post your honest reviews as soon as possible on as many sites as possible. Your review may help other readers find books they might otherwise miss out on. Thank you very much for your support!

As you follow the links below, please note the website stores where reviews are lacking, and share your review there so other readers can find books you recommend they read. Again, thank you very much for this critical support.

Amazon especially promotes books with 50 or more reviews. Early word can help us reach more readers and help more survivors. Remember, proceeds are being donated to www.rainn.org and to the Voices and Faces project, at www.voicesandfaces.org



Here's a listing of those sites who currently list THINGS WE HAVEN'T SAID for pre-order:

1. Amazon:



2. Barnes & Noble:




3: Book Depository:




4: Books-A-Million:





5: Indiebound:



6: GoodReads:


Please note that the majority of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to:


The contributors have donated their time, their talents, and their poems, stories, and essays to speak up and speak out on the issue of sexual assault. In light of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, survivors have stepped out and choose to remain no longer silent about sexual abuse, sexual trauma, rape, incest, and sexual assault. By remaining silent, power remains with the abuser. By speaking out, survivors regain their voice, and begin to heal. Each of us who have contributed, myself included, have experienced healing as a result of speaking out. It is our hope that readers will also find hope and healing from their own Sexual Violence experiences.

For many survivors, it's hard enough to face the truth that sexual assault has even occurred, let alone, speak up about it. Unfortunately, many are ill-equipped to handle such trauma and the very real aftermath from which survivors suffer daily across years and decades. Obviously, there is a huge need for such a resource as this one, detailing from fellow survivors themselves the ways we have learned to heal and move forward in our treatment and recovery. Many families, even those with the best of intentions to support and help survivors heal, have no idea what to say or how to even begin the healing process. Thus, a book like THINGS WE HAVEN'T SAID, provides such a resource for teens and adults to slowly process their experiences and co-journey with other survivors who have made progress toward healing on their recovery journey.

Please consider purchasing a copy for yourself, your loved one, your children, the people you love, and for your community crisis center, your local women's shelter, your local churches, and your local libraries. We appreciate each and every one of you, and welcome you to share the word so others know there is hope, there is a resource, and when you purchase this book, know that you are making a difference, and the majority of your purchase will be donated to www.RAINN.org and www.voicesandfaces.org


Thank you!







Saturday, July 1, 2017

For Survivors: Icebergs, Recovery, and the Importance of Using Your Voice

 
I don't know what your recovery pathway looks like compared to mine, but I've been walking mine out for nearly 40 years. In those four decades, I've made some progress, have experienced fallouts and fallbacks, and I've discovered things about myself I would never have known had I not done the hard work of digging below the surface and asking the hard questions. I also had to sort through a lot of difficult things, and there were times this was triggering for me. However, at the end of the day, I can look back and honestly say that it is ENTIRELY worth every pain, every trigger, and leaning into that pain and allowing myself to fully experience that as honestly as I can has made all the difference.

I can't answer for you whether this is a good way to go about walking out your pathway, but I encourage you to take the risk, or at the very least, allow yourself to consider the possibility that you can. Read on if you'd like to know more. As I often say, take whatever is helpful, and toss out the stuff that doesn't work for you. My solutions may not work for you. When you try something that doesn't work, shrug it off. That's just a sign you're not there yet, you're not ready for that yet, or it's just not right for YOU. That's okay. Be you. Be where you're at and do the best you can with where you're at. It's that simple. Or, it can be, if you let it.

 
 
 
The beginning of this process may be a bit off-putting for the person in recovery. As is very often the case, once you start digging, you tend to uncover more and more, and very soon you may become overwhelmed with what you dig up. It can be helpful to know beforehand that this is a very normal part of the process. After all, we aren't 2 dimensional beings. We're very complex, far more than we often give ourselves credit. That may ping onto that false belief you're holding onto that you're broken, unworthy, or an outsider. I'll come back to that later. For now, just know that's a lie, and you are worthy, wonderful, and just as valuable as everyone else.
 
 
 
It's high time you stop believing your abuser, turn those tapes off from replaying over and over in your mind, and replace them with positive thoughts, affirmations, and mindfulness. This will lead you to wellness, which is a much healthier place to exist. You've beat yourself down for far too long, in fact, you may have even taken the shovel out of the hands of your abuser, and done the burying of yourself on their behalf. Stop it. Enough of that. It's time to unbury some stuff and get to the truth of your actual identity. See yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. Look in that mirror. You might be surprised. It will take your breath away.
 
 



What you may find, beneath the surface of your true identity, is a person far more complicated than you have even risked thinking about. You probably think very little of yourself, or when you're in the early stages of recovery, it's much easier to believe this is true. Well, let me say it: It's a lie. Untrue. Not even close. You. Have. Value. You. Are. Amazing. You are beautiful and wonderful, and never let ANYONE, even yourself, tell you otherwise.

Let that soak in for a minute.

Think of yourself as an iceberg. This might also match how your feelings have become over the years. That's okay, too. You might have shut them off, become numb, and isolated. This is all very similar to an iceberg. But, there's more to it: You survived. You're still here. You win. Not your abuser.

It's okay to be an iceberg, but when you're ready, I encourage you to explore your emotions and let yourself feel again. I know it's a risk. It may also be painful, I'm not going to lie. IT may hurt like hell. But if you don't let yourself feel anything, you will miss so much more.

There are good things in the world.

There are positive feelings, wonderful feelings, things that are indescribable, and worth experiencing. But if you're numb to your feelings, if you're living in that dissociative state, you'll miss so much of your life, and you might not be able to get that back. Don't put the power with your abuser. Take it back. Own it. It's yours. Let yourself feel. Slowly, carefully, and you'll be able to suffer through and process the pain, and you will also have the joy of knowing what it means to truly be alive. You'll experience the good things, too. You deserve that. You always have. You may have just forgotten or believed those lies. The good news is, you don't have to anymore. Start today. Begin afresh. Unwrap the gift of feeling and experiencing your life right now.

There are many great resources you can use in your recovery and healing journey. One of my favorites is to find a great book that helps me to process some of these thoughts and feelings and reflect on how they were added together to become behaviors. Here are two suggestions for you:

http://a.co/43SKELP               http://a.co/2AtEx5Q
 
Jasmin Lee Cori is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and abuse survivor. She writes bluntly and honestly about the recovery process, and gives so many great examples and word pictures that helped me immensely in my own recovery process. You'll love this resource. Check out, Healing From Trauma, and comment below once you've had a chance to read through it.
 
Bessel Van Der Kolk is THE resource for trauma research over the last forty years. He's survived a concentration camp and his own trauma and loss, while helping others, particularly veterans, understand and walk out what it is like to unravel the mystery of trauma and find a way out towards healing. In particular, The Body Keeps the Score, helps the reader understand that trauma does not store in the mind and body (and spirit) the way other memories do. This was hugely illuminating for me. I highlighted this book like crazy. Get your own copy so you can do the same. I'd recommend that for both of these resources. Click the covers or the highlighted text to follow the link to buy your copy today. I wrote a blog about my experience of reading The Body Keeps the Score. You can check it out here.
 
 
 
Of course, beginning to search for the pathway that works best for you and your recovery is easier said than done. What may work for one survivor may not work for another. Your pathway of recovery may be very different from mine. They might have similarities, as there are common threads in the process of recovery for most survivors, but your healing pathway is likely as different as your story and your experience. What you've lived through is unique. Equally true is the unique facets that make up all the complicated layers that make you you.
 
 
 
To illustrate this point, let's first consider the layers, the facets, the dimensions that make you the unique individual that is wholly YOU. At the very least, you have a body, a mind, and a spirit. There are three dimensions you possess that are as unique as your DNA. Check out the wheel above and consider what layers or dimensions make up who you are. When you consider your recovery pathway, it's important to note that your recovery involves ALL of these unique dimensions. It's not just a body thing. You can't just take a pill and move on. There's more to it.
 
Medication management may be an aspect of your recovery. That's okay. It may only need to be there for the time it takes you to work through all the stuff below the surface. (See the iceberg image above). You've also got to consider how your trauma or abuse experience impacted your mind, your mental health, and whether you have a diagnosis, or diagnoses that you need clinical help with to gain the skills and strategies you need to fully process and recover.
 
Another area with great significance in relation to your recovery is your support system. Do you have any supports? Are there family members or friends who know you completely, who know all that happened to you? Have you been able to share your experience with at least one other person? If not, consider what you need to make that happen. Plan it out. Make it a goal, and work toward that goal, when you're ready.
 
If you don't have supports, you can look for local support groups, and even groups which meet online. I know I have found private chat life coach groups, Twitter hashtag groups which meet weekly, and private Facebook Groups that vet members through a screening process to weed out trolls and abusive people looking to hurt survivors. It's sad this even happens, but it's also unfortunately true. So, guard yourself. You don't need to be hurt anymore than you already have been.
 
So what do you think your pathway to recovery looks like? Here are a few examples:
 
 
 
 
This is the model of recovery I used as a roadmap to healing. I began as a victim, then moved to survivor, then I developed my recovery skills through Adaptor and Thriver, and finally, I've been working to become an overcomer. Now that I am in this stage of recovery, I am also looking at where I came from (undiagnosed PTSD or cPTSD) to where I am at now in posttraumatic growth (PTG) with the added skills of resiliency, mindfulness, and wellness. These have helped my recovery and have transformed me from the person on the far left to the man I have become on the far right. As an added bonus, I have found a way to help others in their recovery, as a certified clinical mental health counselor.
 
 

 
Another model of recovery may look like the one above. It's not a straight line, and this is important to note: Your path of Recovery may look more like an upward spiral than a straight line. When you fall down six times, get up seven. You'll keep making your way up, up, up out of the dark cellar of your mind and your abuse or trauma experience, and you'll reach a point of light and recovery that is optimal for your healing journey.
 
 
 
 

As I said earlier, at the very least you need to attend to your body, your mind, and your spirit when developing a road to recovery.


Resiliency is a critical factor useful to develop the skills and strategies of healing and recovery. Use the list above to support your recovery goals.


Above, consider these mindfulness-based aspects of recovery which can contribute positively among other resiliency factors.


 
 
 
Finally, consider that your pathway to recovery may not look like anything listed here. It could feel very much like youv'e wiped out on the surfboard of your life, and you're just beneath the surface, not yet tumbled out of the pull of the wave of your trauma and abuse experience. I encourage you to find your own pathway, and develop your skills, coping tools, and recovery strategies that will adequately equip you in your recovery journey. Know that you are not alone. Know that you matter. You are loved. And you can find yourself among the wreckage, you can activate your voice and advocate for yourself and for your recovery. Take the next step today. I hope this post has been an encouragement. I welcome your comments and reactions below.
 
If you haven't seen my other posts for survivors, check out this Survivor Resource: The Smell of Smoke: Surviving the Aftermath of Trauma here.


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Book Review: Exit, Pursued by a Bear by E. K. Johnston

Exit, Pursued by a BearExit, Pursued by a Bear by E.K. Johnston
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Wow. That ending. I have not read such a perfect ending in such a long time. It took my brain a few minutes to process and fully receive the impact. I must have been twirling through the air in a perfect basket toss, positioning myself to be caught by my teammates. Once I stuck the landing, everything snapped into focus and I realize everything had been flipped.

Incredible, impeccable writing throughout. Thoughtful and detailed characterization. I felt like I was on a full cheer squad without mistaking the two Susans, thanks to the pacing and timing by Johnston. The subject of rape and its aftermath may be brutal, yet expertly handled by Johnston as the story unfolds.

At center stage is Hermione and Polly. Two friends who stay true through thick and thin, their senior year and both find ways to have each other's backs in more than one occurrence. Johnston delivers on all fronts, giving air to just about every conceivable aspect of rape and its aftermath, the slow unraveling of one girl's recovery journey. And yet, she leaves room to make the point that there is much more to Hermione Winters than just the facts, whether by police report, or news reporter. And she sure as hell is much more than the rumors, and the victim blaming, and the shaming. To the very last page, Johnston keeps the reader turning pages.

Cheerleading is about precision, execution, and decision. Hermione may have to lose herself to find she was never that far away. As the story comes full circle, she finds within herself the ability to face her past and pave the way for her future based on one simple decision: to use her voice and speak up, when rape robbed her of that choice before. Go ahead. Poke the bear. See how silent the bear is. Bravo. Bravely told. A must read. A powerhouse of a book.

View all my reviews

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Book Review: The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith

The Way I Used to BeThe Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Maybe is the word spoken before we make a wish. Like, "I wish..." I wish this never happened. I wish I had stopped it somehow. I wish it had gone differently. I wish I could go back to before. I wish. I wish. I wish.

Eden was probably the kind of girl who might lay in the grass the summer before starting her four years of high school, pulling dandelion puffballs and blowing their seeds into all the wishes she could make for her life, back when it was much simpler to wish, simpler to breathe, simpler to just be.

Back when she was Edy, and before her life went spiraling out of control. A stairwell to a dark cellar where awful things happen, and claw their way back up the stairs from beneath her skin, trying to find a way out.

THE WAY I USED TO BE is raw, unflinchingly truthful, and astonishing in its portrayal of what millions of women, girls, boys, and men, and those who do not align as either, or who remain fluid, suffer through daily.

Sadly, they carry the guilt, the shame, and the fear which belongs to their abuser, as if it belongs to them, as if it is their own. And yet, it's not. It's a horrific lie told to them to keep them a prisoner, stuck on the stairs leading down into the cellar of their minds.

As Eden struggles through all four years of high school, drifting farther and farther away from the girl who used to say maybe, take a breath, and blow her wishes across the lawn or field she laid in, she wonders if she will ever find a way back to that place where she could still choose what her life might be, instead of having it already decided for her, already a nightmare she has to endure as a consequence of his actions. But I could just as easily say her actions, or their actions, depending upon whose story is being told.

As a male, I believe this book should be required reading in every sex ed class that separates out the boys and the girls, telling them how they will become adults. This book makes it crystal clear the devastation, the aftermath, the horror of what it is like for a survivor of rape to struggle through until she finds her voice and a way to speak the truth that has been shoved down so far, she doesn't even recognize herself in the mirror anymore.

Many thanks to Amber Smith, for writing what must have been such a terrible thing to have to write and live inside of for so long, until it was perfect and ready for its readers. No one wants to read about this. But we must. No one wants to talk about this, either. But WE MUST.

There were so many exquisite moments of profound truth and honesty, words of poetry so powerfully concentrated and blasting off the page as I read the lines. This is a book that needs to be processed, pondered, discussed, and shared. I intend to do all of those things, and more.

Thank you so much for writing this book, Amber. It is an honor to know you. Please, write more books chock full of truth and boiled down to the words within these pages. Amazing. Breathtaking. Heartbreaking. Powerhouse of a book. An absolute MUST READ. A book you won't regret, despite the topic.

View all my reviews

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Smell of Smoke: Surviving the Aftermath of Trauma




            Survivors. We smell the smoke. It seeps into our clothing and surrounds us like a heavy fog. Ashes rain down like snowfall, cover us in dust, catch in our eyelashes, and clump under our fingernails. The flames have long since flickered out. Even so, the houses of our lives have burned to the ground in the aftermath of the trauma we have endured. Somehow, we made it through.
 
 
 
           We know what it feels like to sit down in the charred remains, to dig among the rubble, searching for meaning, something to hold onto or bring us back to the present. We try our best. Some days, we are lost. Flooded by memories that feel so real they could be mistaken for right now. Our reality is skewed. Other days, we manage to feel things as we turn them over and over in blackened hands, tracing their edges as if they could construct words and speak to us. These objects are our Braille, and we are blinded and reeling in the aftereffects of all that has happened.
 
 
 
 
            We probably look strange from the outside. The reality we walk through each day is heavy with silence, guilt, and shame. These things press down hard upon us, like the words we’ve taken in and have running endlessly on repeat just loud enough to hear, but not loud enough to consciously register them anymore. From the outside, you can’t see the devastation, the loss, or what it continues to cost us to survive.
 
           From your vantage point, we look rather like a lost puppy, or a homeless person begging coins and food on the street corner. The urge to turn your head and ignore us is strong. This only adds to the cacophony of silence. For the trauma to have happened, it required silence and tolerance. Looking the other way. None of that helps us. Instead, it further validates our abusers and their actions toward us. If you haven’t yet, this is where you’ll turn away.
 
 

            We keep going.



            We walk on hot coals, smoldering beneath our feet, ready to reignite at any moment a spark falls upon our steps. One memory stacks upon another, increasing the heat of the flames that relentlessly burn. Fire ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. At times, it can build until it seems an entire forest is aflame. At other times, the coalbed, while hot, is banked to the back corner of the fireplace, barely keeping the chill off. Yet, still we rub our hands expectantly for warmth.
 
 
 
            We are in the aftershock and there aren’t enough blankets to weigh us down and keep the shivers away. Absentmindedly, our soot-covered hands work through the ash heap looking for something else that made it through the flames, perhaps with scorch marks, but intact enough to recognize. It might as well be a mirror. That’s exactly what a survivor is, too.
 
 
 
            Do you know a survivor? Chances are, you do. One in four women and one in six men, before they turn eighteen, have survived child sexual abuse. The statistics for rape, of both men and women, as well as those from the trans and gender fluid communities, are even worse. All of us are survivors. All of us have endured trauma. We went through the fires. We were likely burned. Many of us are still reeling from the aftereffects. Without support, we might choose a path that includes self-medicating (such as alcohol, drugs, and other substance abuses, addictions such as porn, and self-harm) behaviors.
 
 
 
 
 
There is hope. There is a way through the fire. There is life on the other side. Mindfulness may help you get there. Resiliency, too. Recovery is possible. Change is possible.
 
Most importantly of all: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many, many others travel with you.
 
 
 
Check out these pinterest boards for survivor resources: